Languages of love: We talk about the languages with which love expresses itself.
A friend tells you that she is going to end her relationship since her partner “does not treat her as she should”. It’s about that friend of yours whom your partner does not stop taking you on a trip despite earning little money. You die of the envy of the photos that upload to your facebook because you like to travel a lot; with your boyfriend you have not yet gone to the Alhambra in Granada.
Your friend, however, dies of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a confirmed romantic, and according to you: “a cloying that talks a lot but recently”; of what you translate, he will not love you so much.
Related article: Symptoms of falling in love that we have all ever experienced
The 5 languages of love
Often, in the private sphere, people discuss the various problems we experience as a couple. Some problems are more perceptible (such as discussions in decision making, individual manias not shared, etc.) than others, which go unnoticed. This is the case of the type of problem that we are going to expose next.
The 5 languages of love: modal preferences to demonstrate and receive love
According to Chapman (2009), there are 5 languages of love. These can be very important for the relationship to improve substantially, not only as a couple but among friends, colleagues or family. Chapman emphasizes that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in concrete ways. It is interesting to know what types of love exist. You can check it at:
Next, we explain the five modalities or languages of love:
We express affection by verbalizing words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility towards another. These are words that are sometimes said without thinking and have a very positive effect on the other person; increasing your self-esteem, your safety, and your well-being. “Almost everyone remembers fleeting words that (…) marked our lives”.
It is recommended to use direct, simple and forceful phrases: “I love you very much, really”; “I love it when you explain things to me so well.” But above all, it is important that it is credible for the person who receives it and for that it is indispensable, that the person who transmits it really feels it (corporal expression, appropriate context).
2. Quality time
We live in the society of haste that, together with the false needs created by the market (having the best car, trip, home, etc.) makes us forget what quality time really means. Sharing quality time is not so much the act (a good dinner at an expensive restaurant), but the enjoyment of it by sharing it with our loved ones; listening and being listened to, without haste or other distractors. There is no other objective for the person, rather than sharing that time with the person he or she wants.
The meaning of the gift seems to have lost value in a consumerist society: “The more gifts and more expensive the better”, this one tells us, regardless of their need or usefulness. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express much love and affection for being elaborated by the person or bought effort.
For that reason, for some people this type of gifts symbolizes a very beautiful expression of love; whoever gives him has been struggling and thinking about her. In the other part, who is working on making or getting that gift, enjoy since you have the idea, until after having given the gift to the other, without waiting for more than his smile.
4. Service acts
Trying to please the person by serving them or doing favors to certain people is rewarding. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of the heaviest tasks or moving too far away places, are acts that are carried out thoroughly and with a smile on your face, without waiting for you to return the favor or an immediate compensatory response. “It is not a need or obligation, but something that is done generously to help the other.”
5. Physical contact
It is the simplest and most direct form of communication. Embrace, kiss, caress, touch, have sex; they are ways of transmitting and receiving love from the couple. For some people physical contact is their main language, they feel security and happiness through it, and without it, they do not feel loved. “It can produce or break a relationship, it can communicate hatred or love.”
Share the way to love
It is common for the couple to come to consultation verbalizing not to receive samples of love from the other. Knowing, identifying and sharing the different ways of love is a great help; It gives us a plus for communication as a couple. Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, because the field of couples therapy is very broad. The 5 languages of love are one of them. Once visualized they may seem obvious, Let’s be a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. Nobody is a fortune-teller, and to ignore that the other one knows it, is a very frequent error between couples.
Each person has preferences for manifesting one or several types of languages that may or may not coincide with the preference of reception. If they do not show us love through our language of preference, we may not feel loved. So, to make these concepts useful, I propose to meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues or family (because it can also be a useful tool for our neighbors):
Know the 5 languages of love: Physical contact; Quality time; Gifts; Service acts; and Words. (Explained above).
Identify them in ourselves: What is the way I prefer to receive love? And what is the way I prefer or usually express affection? It is possible that it is difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify only one (there can be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when we receive the different samples of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform these.
Share them: Once identified, it will be useful the moment you expose them to your partner; if you have any doubt at the time you solve it (the more you specify the better, remember that you should not give anything for obvious); and that the other party, also exposes you your preferences.
Put them into practice: This section seems easy, however, can go wrong. So you have to have patience. Each person develops in a context and gets used to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs. families where the components never embrace each other). What we see normal, is not so normal for others and change habits, sometimes, it costs a lot. Therefore, we must have patience during the change; positively reinforce the other’s effort when performing the desired action; and if you are ignoring or do not do it as we wish, explain it again (in a different way, through examples, etc).
Finally, reflect that every healthy person has the ability to express the five types of love and that to a greater or lesser extent we express all or almost all. Elsa Punset (2010) defends in her book that: “if we accustom our children to give and receive the love of all languages, tomorrow they will be able to communicate freely in all of them”.
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