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Can we learn to improve the way we relate to our partner?


These are several aspects of the relationship that we can learn to improve to strengthen the bond.

Next, I will express here a series of problems that often make it difficult for couples to be full and generate much suffering in current couples.

1. The belief that love consists in feeling loved

The belief that love is feeling loved and not the ability to love is very harmful. Hence, this belief generates a new problem: how to become worthy of love.

To achieve that goal, people can spend their entire lives chasing economic success, social status, or the perfect body. All these goals will never bring the longed-for love because they are ways to compensate for a deficit situation: the lack of personal love.

We can carry this lack from childhood. We may not have been well cared for or recognized by our parents. If we relate to our partner from emotional deficiencies and unresolved stories, we will never be able to develop the capacity to love the other and we will feel eternally dissatisfied.

2. Confuse love with infatuation

Many people believe that when the initial crush disappears it is that love has left the relationship. I think that the romantic movies and the classic image of cupid shooting his arrows on couples have caused this great confusion.

Falling in love is a combination of intimidating emotions and attraction that produce a series of chemical modifications in the brain. At first, we tend to idealize the other, and infatuation usually dissipates when we begin to see their defects, and coexistence is based on the real. If the commitment of a couple is conditioned on feeling the butterflies in the stomach, the relationship will not have much future.

3. Lack of sexual polarity

The polarity of the sexes is disappearing and with it erotic love, which is based on this polarity.

Contemporary society tends to preach identity equality and people are very confused about their natural polarity. The male-female polarity is a biological reality that we cannot play skipping if we want to reap good results in our relationship.

Sex may not be essential in a love-based couple relationship, but it is the mortar that holds ties together and brings color and sparkle to the relationship.

4. Lack of a common purpose

In a couple one and one must add more than two. Couples who share a common purpose or horizon can overcome the onslaught that sooner or later will bring the difficulties of living together and the conflicts inherent in life. This horizon can be the raising of a common child, a work project, or a shared ideal.

The important thing is that you elevate the members of the couple beyond their egoic needs and their emotional deficiencies. When mutual growth is also included in the couple’s purpose, the couple can learn from and grow out of conflict. There is no place where the game of mutual projections is shown as much as in the couple.

5. Closed communication

We learn many concepts and theories in our lives that we never use. However, something as vital to our relationships as learning to communicate tends to be conspicuous by its absence.

Most couples usually recognize that they have a serious communication problem. Closed communication is the pattern of interaction that remains rigid because its members cannot change the communication style. We have the classic example of the woman who complains because her husband does not listen to her because his wife always complains. What came first the chicken or the egg? In this type of closed communication, each one is installed in the comfort of attributing to the other the origin of their own communication.

Related article: Lack of communication in the couple: 8 ways in which it is expressed

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