Having a relationship or looking for one, anxiety can lead to obsession
We live in a world in which it is increasingly common to find people who are anxious to have a partner, as well as people who feel anxiety when approaching someone or building a partner. Then, within the relationship, the anxiety continues and episodes of jealousy and insecurity arise.
Why is it happening more and more? What is the real reason? And above all, what is the real solution?
This problem is increasingly common because we have not learned to build functional, stable and safe self-esteem, as well as for not having recovered from painful episodes of the past in relation to the couple that left us certain ideas, beliefs, attitudes or fears.
We will see in part the reason, the solution and how you can begin to take the first steps towards your change if this happens to you.
The anxiety to have a partner
Where does anxiety come from with the couple (to have a partner or when you have a partner) or fears when having a partner?
A relationship is the context of greater learning of a human being. We are social beings and we tend to the relationship, and in these two people share intimacy, beliefs, values and even identities.
This causes fears, conflicts to emerge and a fight of egos ends. Each person wants to keep their beliefs, what they think they need and their idea of what is right or wrong.
In a way, a couple is like a mirror. Each member of the couple is like a mirror for the other, which reflects their virtues but also their fears and insecurities. For this reason, couples often enter into conflict once the first phases of the relationship end.
That is where the great learning of one towards the other arrives. The couple is then like a daily therapy in which people can know each other more and feel stronger and safer.
However, this fear of feeling vulnerable often leads to anxiety within the couple. At the same time, the same anxiety to loneliness (because we believe that it is a reflection of little value or because we believe that we are not interesting for others) leads some people to find a partner frequently, and it is also common to make comparisons with the rest.
This anxiety can also arise because we are afraid of having a partner due to past experiences.
Why does all this happen?
This kind of problem arises because it has been learned that well-being, and therefore self-esteem, depend on external factors such as the behavior of another person. This generates anxiety and insecurity since it is welfare that is not in our hands, but outside.
The solution is not to “raise” self-esteem since self-esteem does not really go up or down (“raise” self-esteem would be equivalent to inflating the ego), but build self-esteem that works, where well-being depends, above all, on internal factors.
The solution: effective independence
Affective independence is not being a lone wolf or being an individualist.
All people are dependent to some extent on others, the context, even the air we breathe. It’s about your well-being, to a large extent, depends on internal factors.
If your actions are independent of the rest and general well-being by your own means, you will build a life in which you know and can share that well-being with other people.
The anxiety of having a partner will disappear, as will the fear of having a partner.
A process of change
However, getting this is not easy. It is necessary to live a process of profound change where you learn to build and develop your emotional independence so that your self-esteem really works for you.
In Human Empowerment, online personal development school, you find a free program to take the first steps entitled “Get over it”.
Although sometimes people need company and live a complete process of change. For this there is “Grows with Affective Independence”, a process of 3 months to build functional self-esteem and thus enjoy both the relationship of a couple as life without a partner (whatever your case).
The important thing is that you know that your well-being already depends fundamentally on you. It is about making the decision of where you leave that well-being.